So this will be my first attempt at blogging from Word… Blogger has a cool add-in that allows for direct upload from word, so we’ll see how this turns out…
Fine, I’ll come out with it… Lovesong was completely overwhelming tonight… it was good, but essentially we covered from initial attraction to marriage, and I’m still reeling about where Ruth and I are in the scheme of it… are we on the same page? Am I too overworked to sit down and evaluate whether we’re on the same page? What about talking about our future expectations in the relationship? I haven’t thought through what my future expectations are… I know I want to travel the world, while at the same time I feel called to work in the ministry in some capacity, possibly middle schoolers… I know Reliv is going to be my income, and I’d love to work with a church that can’t afford to pay much, if anything, and I allow Reliv to fund my ministries… I want a family, but I’m not sure I’d make a good father… I really want to move back to the North, possibly Virginia, but how rigid is that thought? What about all the things I can’t think of at the moment that need to be talked about, but I can’t bring up because I don’t know them, much less how I feel about them… My overwhelming inadequacy is washing over me like a lotion made from snake venom – there is good to be had from our relationship and the lotion, but at the moment all I can seem to focus on when I’m alone is the faults in my own life that would prevent me from being good to her in the future… the faults that continue to keep me from a sincere relationship of reckless abandon... I see a generation rising up that has great potential, and wonder how I stand with them… Some of my friends talk to God as though He’s their Abba father, right next to them, holding them on His knee as they prattle on about the random silly things that happened throughout their day, and please help this person and bless that thing… The sheer child-like faith of it all is something I have lost so long ago that I wonder at things my parents tell me I did as a child, the things I would pray for and expect response on in sincere faith, never doubting when the results weren’t right there in front of me, never for a second thinking “This is too trivial”… The sincerity of the “joy of my salvation” has been drained… I keep busy, partially because I love to be interactive as a renaissance man, but now as I think here, typing what comes to mind, I wonder if it is not also because I long to fill that gap that has been open for so long… I still love God, and do my best to follow Him where He leads me, but I maintain a low hum of white noise with my constant activity as a way of maintaining distance from Him, making sure my frail little construction of a life is still in my control… how does one surrender something that they’ve spent their whole lives creating? My dreams, my thoughts, my passions… they’ve become my life, rather than simply being a facet of my life that is ultimately ruled by God and His will for my life… to attempt a relinquishing of the throne which I’ve relished sitting upon while deluding myself that He was still the ruler… the sacrifice, the extreme withdrawals that would be experienced… while well worth the prize I receive, I don’t feel that I am strong enough… As I give up one thing, an old flame comes into its place… this continual pattern of rededication only to be followed by epic failure through reintroduction of old vices, no matter how simple they seem…
I’m sure that there’s more to be said, but at this point I am too weary to continue… mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually… nothing more can be said tonight as I continue down the weary path I’ve set for myself through my over commitment to the things I want to do and my lack of commitment to the things that truly matter… My soul is in anguish as I wrestle with what I’ve written on this page, what I’ve written on the pages of my life… I was never meant to be the author of my life… why can’t I ever accept that fact and just let Jesus step in and take over and restructure my life around His plan?
*edit* The Blogger add-in totally didn't work... :(
Annnnnndrew, I totally feel your weariness. I am right there friend. However, I'm trying really, REALLY, really, REALLY, hard to cast my burdens on HIM because He cares for us. I'm glad you got a lot out of Lovesong, and I do hope you plan on living in VA one day. That's where I've always wanted to go @ least for a little while..haha
ReplyDeleteI don't know how things between you and Ruth are exactly because...well, we barely talk these days (which makes me sad), but this is my perspective on my current relationship. Maybe it will help you filter out some of the noise.
ReplyDeleteI think a lot of people our age put tremendous pressure on their relationships by questioning whether or not the person they are with is "the one." Herbie and I say that we are in a "committed (read "monogamous"), no pressure," relationship. He and I both think about the future and how wonderful what we have is, but we both also realize that we are two young people just getting our adult lives started and that it may not work out. If you come to a point where you really want it to work you'll go to the effort to preserve what you have, but two people working equally hard to maintain a relationship doesn't mean that it's necessarily the right relationship or one that will last. I think that's where God comes in. When people try really hard and it still doesn't work out I think that's God saying "remember, it's my plan we're following here--not yours."
My advice is to enjoy what you have while you have it. Don't put unnecessary pressure on an otherwise beautiful and fulfilling relationship. If the two of you should come to a point where you say "we want this to work" then work to keep it, but keep in mind that God has his own designs for your life (and Ruth's). He will take care of you both.