Why do I continually fail? I seek after God, I try to follow Him, and am blessed in many ways because of that, yet I continually fall into my old self, the part of me that, while it doesn’t despise Him, neither does it make any room for Him to reveal Himself… it continues in self-indulgence, from video games to even books, from innocent past times that steal away the seconds to gross injustices that cause me to balk upon completion and that others would scarce think me capable of…
I go to my Bible, only to be stopped along the way by the old vices who’ve stopped by to see about hanging out again… they convince me time and time again that after this session they’ll be gone, they’ll let me be to pursue that which my deepest part loves and those who would see me become the godly man that God sees me as, that He has set me on the path toward…
…and yet I fail. I acknowledge that there is no substitute for God’s strength, then blindly turn around to face the giants alone, staving them off rather than asking for the strength to finish them off… they sit at my doorstep and wait for me to exit… they continually haunt me, they prey upon my footsteps, looking to trip me everywhere I go…
WHY! I’m a simple person… I don’t feel destined for greatness, so why bother with me? I know the mental answer that the devil and his demons have no worries from the apathetic Christian, but the one who chooses to chase after the Lord and seeks to submit to all His wisdom and power… there’s the danger to the foundations of their hellacious schemes… one righteous man can pray for a drought, and seven years of desolation can plague a land… the imminent threat posed by someone even daring to travel on that road to righteousness is such that all stops are pulled to create a person who is once again submissive to themselves rather than to God… a slave to their will and passion, they can no longer achieve the goals of the Kingdom, they cannot be a help to those around them…
The final thought as I nod off to sleep… why must the humanity within continue to keep from doing what is right? "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak"...that’s all fine and dandy, but why? Why continue in the debauchery and scheming and elaborate plots to hide what vices are there, what we all suffer from in our own form or fashion? "Confess your sins to one another" James tells us… Yet I continue to run and hide… I continue to foolishly believe that my sins are no greater than those of the people around me; I continue to justify my actions as I perform them, only to be overwhelmed by regret and imperative to change, determining that I will not fall next time, only to relinquish the strongholds that have been set aside for future use by the greatest King, I surrender my court to jesters and knaves… king of all, I reign as a mockery to what I once strived for...
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ReplyDeleteYou're a good writer.
Sometimes, when I'm tempted to do something that will not glorify God (such as skipping class) I say scripture or pray because you're right..The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.