A Farewell to Arms

...or at least to my addictions. After Lovesong tonight, I was challenged in a manner I had never before been challenged... I am leaving for a while, Lord alone knows how long...

I've grown to value this computer and it's freedom above what I should value, so I'm taking a sabattical; I'll check my emails from the comp lab or something, but I'll no longer be "instant access Andrew" who checks Facebook, OCS, and Gmail like a zillion times a day.

Until I return, adieu.

Why?

A simple question, applicable to everyday life, everyday things... but the ramifications are huge...

Think about it... Why do we continually do what we do?

Why?

A simple question...

...but it pains me... it peers into my soul and pries apart the deepest, darkest corners of me, revealing the worst parts, the most devious of schemes that I've failed to hand over to God...

Why?

Why do I continually run from God? I attempt to create my own life, my own path, and I fail, yet I repeat my actions, hoping in vain for a different reaction, a different result that will create joy for me, only to realize afterwards that I have thrown a wrench into the plan for ultimate joy, the pinnacle of God's will for my life...

Why?

Why is it that I continue to settle for lesser idols, to erect monuments in my name when I can erect towering cities in God's name?

I know the trite answer: "Because you are human, because the flesh is weak"... That fails to stop me along the disasterous road I travel down in pursuit of my glory... what can stop me?

What?

What am I doing here? What's my purpose at HBU? Is it simply to have met Ruth, someone I can never hope to deserve, never hope to match? I love her, but my inadequacies seem insurmountable... my frailties too numerous... I know better than to idolize her as perfection, yet she continues to astound me in her faithfulness to God and to her family... even to me, when I let her down...

I'm tired... I always seem to write these late at night, so now I leave...

I've reached the end of myself...

...though not in a good way... tonight at work I nearly passed out... I went to drink some water and didn't even register that the water was touching my lips... I made it through, but now realize why this weariness is becoming a common thing...

Mom was talking with me the other day about how, as homeschoolers, we had our own pace, weren't involved in everything, but that public schoolers, almost from before middle school, have their bodies adjust to the rapid pace of involvement for the sake of being involved [my words, not hers :) ]... We didn't get too involved, we focused on getting the 8 to 9 hours of sleep a night, getting the nutrition and food needed to be healthy and alive, so hitting this thing in college where everyone wants you to join things and do stuff, other people are used to being in 7 organizations, taking 19 hours, and have 2 part time jobs and 1 full time job while still managing to have some social life between the hours of midnight and 3 AM before they go to sleep at 4 AM and then wake up at 7 AM to start the next day... My body, strong though it is, has finally sent me a final warning, an ultimatum if you would... I think if my mind had been any more aware, I would have felt scared, but even my simple feelings had shut down to minimal functions...

To piggy-back on that epiphany, here's another one I had: the first few quarters at HBU, I committed a little, but still tried to get sleep; then, I became an RA last year, and that started my commitment-fest, but my body had slightly acclimated to the rigorous, hectic schedule I put it through in order to appease my renaissance-man passions, and on top of that I began taking Reliv again as regularly as possible, which helped to balance out all the stress I was putting my body through... then, this year comes along... I'm in 8 organizations, holding 4 jobs (5 if I go through with something, but I'mma say no), living on campus, I have a girlfriend, and at the moment I can't think of anything else happening, but I'm sure there's more... oh yeah! Plus I want to have a social life... however that works out... Essentially, I've been living in the redline zone, but Reliv has allowed for that lfiestyle to occur... I've been pushing it even further lately, and Reliv doesn't make you bulletproof... the zone I was in was fine, but pushing beyond that I realize how far up the scale I already am... Next semester, I am going to quite most of my organizations... I'm going to drop a few jobs... I knew mentally I couldn't continue on the path I've been on, but now...

Lovesong talked about chapter 2 verse 10 that talks about foxes in the vineyards, and Chuck said you need to actively pursue the eradication of those foxes as they'll destroy your relationship... one of the common foxes he named was being overworked, and at that point I decided to back down from my commitments, but tonight has just solidified that fact...

Well, there's more to be said, but I told Ruth I'd go to bed before 2, so away I go... Rest well, oh world... I shall see thee in a few hours...

More Musings

So this will be my first attempt at blogging from Word… Blogger has a cool add-in that allows for direct upload from word, so we’ll see how this turns out…

 Today’s been pretty hectic… Woke up at 6, only to fall back asleep… I need to get better at getting out of bed instead of turning off the alarm and “just relaxing” for “a few more minutes” O:-) Overall, though, the day has been pretty good… got most of the stuff done that needed to happen, except I just realized I forgot to go take my driving test at the Police station :/ Hope Money doesn’t get too upset with me…

 So my biggest concern at the moment is my Accounting test tomorrow… you may well ask “Then why are you on here and not studying! LEAVE NOW!!!” but the simple truth is that my mind is racing too fast to study accounting, or even my business ethics, or corporate finance, or the English paper I just found out is due next Monday… I’m not even sure right now what is captivating my mental faculties at the moment… Lovesong tonight was intense, with several things speaking directly to me, some about the good things done to this point with Ruth and I, some with things pertaining to what needs to happen in the future… What a time to be unable to think about anything else but the possible future you have with someone… at least I only have 20 more pages of notes to type, then I can “relax” and work on my stuff besides accounting…

Fine, I’ll come out with it… Lovesong was completely overwhelming tonight… it was good, but essentially we covered from initial attraction to marriage, and I’m still reeling about where Ruth and I are in the scheme of it… are we on the same page? Am I too overworked to sit down and evaluate whether we’re on the same page? What about talking about our future expectations in the relationship? I haven’t thought through what my future expectations are… I know I want to travel the world, while at the same time I feel called to work in the ministry in some capacity, possibly middle schoolers… I know Reliv is going to be my income, and I’d love to work with a church that can’t afford to pay much, if anything, and I allow Reliv to fund my ministries… I want a family, but I’m not sure I’d make a good father… I really want to move back to the North, possibly Virginia, but how rigid is that thought? What about all the things I can’t think of at the moment that need to be talked about, but I can’t bring up because I don’t know them, much less how I feel about them… My overwhelming inadequacy is washing over me like a lotion made from snake venom – there is good to be had from our relationship and the lotion, but at the moment all I can seem to focus on when I’m alone is the faults in my own life that would prevent me from being good to her in the future… the faults that continue to keep me from a sincere relationship of reckless abandon... I see a generation rising up that has great potential, and wonder how I stand with them… Some of my friends talk to God as though He’s their Abba father, right next to them, holding them on His knee as they prattle on about the random silly things that happened throughout their day, and please help this person and bless that thing… The sheer child-like faith of it all is something I have lost so long ago that I wonder at things my parents tell me I did as a child, the things I would pray for and expect response on in sincere faith, never doubting when the results weren’t right there in front of me, never for a second thinking “This is too trivial”… The sincerity of the “joy of my salvation” has been drained… I keep busy, partially because I love to be interactive as a renaissance man, but now as I think here, typing what comes to mind, I wonder if it is not also because I long to fill that gap that has been open for so long… I still love God, and do my best to follow Him where He leads me, but I maintain a low hum of white noise with my constant activity as a way of maintaining distance from Him, making sure my frail little construction of a life is still in my control… how does one surrender something that they’ve spent their whole lives creating? My dreams, my thoughts, my passions… they’ve become my life, rather than simply being a facet of my life that is ultimately ruled by God and His will for my life… to attempt a relinquishing of the throne which I’ve relished sitting upon while deluding myself that He was still the ruler… the sacrifice, the extreme withdrawals that would be experienced… while well worth the prize I receive, I don’t feel that I am strong enough… As I give up one thing, an old flame comes into its place… this continual pattern of rededication only to be followed by epic failure through reintroduction of old vices, no matter how simple they seem…

I’m sure that there’s more to be said, but at this point I am too weary to continue… mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually… nothing more can be said tonight as I continue down the weary path I’ve set for myself through my over commitment to the things I want to do and my lack of commitment to the things that truly matter… My soul is in anguish as I wrestle with what I’ve written on this page, what I’ve written on the pages of my life… I was never meant to be the author of my life… why can’t I ever accept that fact and just let Jesus step in and take over and restructure my life around His plan?

*edit* The Blogger add-in totally didn't work... :(

The Frailty of Man

Why do I continually fail? I seek after God, I try to follow Him, and am blessed in many ways because of that, yet I continually fall into my old self, the part of me that, while it doesn’t despise Him, neither does it make any room for Him to reveal Himself… it continues in self-indulgence, from video games to even books, from innocent past times that steal away the seconds to gross injustices that cause me to balk upon completion and that others would scarce think me capable of…

I go to my Bible, only to be stopped along the way by the old vices who’ve stopped by to see about hanging out again… they convince me time and time again that after this session they’ll be gone, they’ll let me be to pursue that which my deepest part loves and those who would see me become the godly man that God sees me as, that He has set me on the path toward…

…and yet I fail. I acknowledge that there is no substitute for God’s strength, then blindly turn around to face the giants alone, staving them off rather than asking for the strength to finish them off… they sit at my doorstep and wait for me to exit… they continually haunt me, they prey upon my footsteps, looking to trip me everywhere I go…

WHY! I’m a simple person… I don’t feel destined for greatness, so why bother with me? I know the mental answer that the devil and his demons have no worries from the apathetic Christian, but the one who chooses to chase after the Lord and seeks to submit to all His wisdom and power… there’s the danger to the foundations of their hellacious schemes… one righteous man can pray for a drought, and seven years of desolation can plague a land… the imminent threat posed by someone even daring to travel on that road to righteousness is such that all stops are pulled to create a person who is once again submissive to themselves rather than to God… a slave to their will and passion, they can no longer achieve the goals of the Kingdom, they cannot be a help to those around them…

The final thought as I nod off to sleep… why must the humanity within continue to keep from doing what is right? "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak"...that’s all fine and dandy, but why? Why continue in the debauchery and scheming and elaborate plots to hide what vices are there, what we all suffer from in our own form or fashion? "Confess your sins to one another" James tells us… Yet I continue to run and hide… I continue to foolishly believe that my sins are no greater than those of the people around me; I continue to justify my actions as I perform them, only to be overwhelmed by regret and imperative to change, determining that I will not fall next time, only to relinquish the strongholds that have been set aside for future use by the greatest King, I surrender my court to jesters and knaves… king of all, I reign as a mockery to what I once strived for...