Thoughts... since I apparently can't get work done...

I'm sitting in David's apartment, which is pretty fun, and we're in separate rooms, so I should be able to get things done... indeed, I got stuff done this morning. But after coming back from class, I feel like I can't get the gumption to do anything productive... I'm looking at games online, even though I hate the graphics, created a few new online profiles for games I haven't visited in years (I mean, since back when I got to Houston)...

Why are my efforts frustrated? I want to be a certain type of person... a productive one, an employed one... This sucks...

It's been a while...

Well, after a two year hiatus, I've taken back to blogging as a form of processing (or venting, as some of my previous peoples have said...)

What a doozie to come tonight; today has been quite interesting, quite frustrating, and generally all around not what I wanted today to be... Lord, have mercy on me, because I'm having issues trusting you right now...

Craptastically Craptastic Morning...

So I woke up early to go take my car in to get fixed... my parents have been trying to liquidate their negative equity, so we're gonna try and sell the white Jeep and they'll fix our Jeep so we'll have two functioning Jeeps.

Well, this morning when we went to take it to the shop, it won't start. So, we push it down the driveway a bit and park the other Jeep in the lawn so we can charge the battery. First issue: finding jumper cables in the beautifully clean back of the Jeep. Issue resolved with minor hazard.

Second issue: there's a cap on the terminal for the white Jeep. Resolved, with extra issue introduced: Use the keys! only to bend the key I have for the Jeep that won't start, which now really won't start since the key is bent at a 25 degree angle...

Third issue: Now the Jeep with a bent key and no battery power is sitting on an inclined driveway... how to get it back up the driveway? Put it in neutral and push it up the hill. Oh, did I forget to mention that the tires are slightly balled, so are now stalled in a position that is doubly hard to get out of given that Mom has to put the car in neutral and release the parking brake while I'm trying to push it uphill... WAIT! I forgot the most crucial part! Still no key, so we search the house, and I can't find it, so Mom has to go find it, then we try to make the car go uphill, but it won't becuase of the balled tires and incline, so we have to wake up seth, and then the car still won't budge, so everyone is getting upset and then it finally starts to move, so now Seth is wide awake from having exerted himself and received the obligatory endorphins rush, Mom and I are in a bad mood because nothing went according to plan, so... yeah... hopefully the REC Team retreat is gonna be a eustressor, not distressor...

And now, for your viewing pleasure...

Hello again all!

So, I decided, after some promptings, to resume blogging... granted, this will become more difficult after Tuesday as I am selling my laptop; however, I'll have my worn down Mac so I should be able to wade through the broken screen and type out something. Daily updates, maybe, but I know that I will at least put up something when anything exciting happens, which should be fun considering my SGA role this year will probably result in lots of fun occurences :)

Anyway, keep posted, as I'll probably relate some deep theological concepts from a book I've been reading called Your God Is Too Small by J. B. Phillips... awesome read, check it out.

A Farewell to Arms

...or at least to my addictions. After Lovesong tonight, I was challenged in a manner I had never before been challenged... I am leaving for a while, Lord alone knows how long...

I've grown to value this computer and it's freedom above what I should value, so I'm taking a sabattical; I'll check my emails from the comp lab or something, but I'll no longer be "instant access Andrew" who checks Facebook, OCS, and Gmail like a zillion times a day.

Until I return, adieu.

Why?

A simple question, applicable to everyday life, everyday things... but the ramifications are huge...

Think about it... Why do we continually do what we do?

Why?

A simple question...

...but it pains me... it peers into my soul and pries apart the deepest, darkest corners of me, revealing the worst parts, the most devious of schemes that I've failed to hand over to God...

Why?

Why do I continually run from God? I attempt to create my own life, my own path, and I fail, yet I repeat my actions, hoping in vain for a different reaction, a different result that will create joy for me, only to realize afterwards that I have thrown a wrench into the plan for ultimate joy, the pinnacle of God's will for my life...

Why?

Why is it that I continue to settle for lesser idols, to erect monuments in my name when I can erect towering cities in God's name?

I know the trite answer: "Because you are human, because the flesh is weak"... That fails to stop me along the disasterous road I travel down in pursuit of my glory... what can stop me?

What?

What am I doing here? What's my purpose at HBU? Is it simply to have met Ruth, someone I can never hope to deserve, never hope to match? I love her, but my inadequacies seem insurmountable... my frailties too numerous... I know better than to idolize her as perfection, yet she continues to astound me in her faithfulness to God and to her family... even to me, when I let her down...

I'm tired... I always seem to write these late at night, so now I leave...

I've reached the end of myself...

...though not in a good way... tonight at work I nearly passed out... I went to drink some water and didn't even register that the water was touching my lips... I made it through, but now realize why this weariness is becoming a common thing...

Mom was talking with me the other day about how, as homeschoolers, we had our own pace, weren't involved in everything, but that public schoolers, almost from before middle school, have their bodies adjust to the rapid pace of involvement for the sake of being involved [my words, not hers :) ]... We didn't get too involved, we focused on getting the 8 to 9 hours of sleep a night, getting the nutrition and food needed to be healthy and alive, so hitting this thing in college where everyone wants you to join things and do stuff, other people are used to being in 7 organizations, taking 19 hours, and have 2 part time jobs and 1 full time job while still managing to have some social life between the hours of midnight and 3 AM before they go to sleep at 4 AM and then wake up at 7 AM to start the next day... My body, strong though it is, has finally sent me a final warning, an ultimatum if you would... I think if my mind had been any more aware, I would have felt scared, but even my simple feelings had shut down to minimal functions...

To piggy-back on that epiphany, here's another one I had: the first few quarters at HBU, I committed a little, but still tried to get sleep; then, I became an RA last year, and that started my commitment-fest, but my body had slightly acclimated to the rigorous, hectic schedule I put it through in order to appease my renaissance-man passions, and on top of that I began taking Reliv again as regularly as possible, which helped to balance out all the stress I was putting my body through... then, this year comes along... I'm in 8 organizations, holding 4 jobs (5 if I go through with something, but I'mma say no), living on campus, I have a girlfriend, and at the moment I can't think of anything else happening, but I'm sure there's more... oh yeah! Plus I want to have a social life... however that works out... Essentially, I've been living in the redline zone, but Reliv has allowed for that lfiestyle to occur... I've been pushing it even further lately, and Reliv doesn't make you bulletproof... the zone I was in was fine, but pushing beyond that I realize how far up the scale I already am... Next semester, I am going to quite most of my organizations... I'm going to drop a few jobs... I knew mentally I couldn't continue on the path I've been on, but now...

Lovesong talked about chapter 2 verse 10 that talks about foxes in the vineyards, and Chuck said you need to actively pursue the eradication of those foxes as they'll destroy your relationship... one of the common foxes he named was being overworked, and at that point I decided to back down from my commitments, but tonight has just solidified that fact...

Well, there's more to be said, but I told Ruth I'd go to bed before 2, so away I go... Rest well, oh world... I shall see thee in a few hours...